Cross-cultural relations: fatal attraction?Akinyi Oyugi
Cherotich had grown up into a charming and beautiful girl; she was bright in school and had visions of a promising future. She was determined to achieve the best and overcome all the obstacles life would bring her way. Soon she reached her teenage years and the social aspects of life came into play. Like any normal young person, she started appreciating the opposite sex. While at college, she met the man she felt she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. They spent a lot of time together and soon fell in love, vowing that nothing would put them apart. Though they were from different cultural backgrounds, they went ahead and got involved unaware of the complications this might bring. No matter what, theirs was for better or for worse. They both thought it wise to introduce each other to their respective parents, not knowing that this was the beginning of their trials and tribulations, a battle they had to fight. However, once the introductions were over, their parents held their heads down in shame. They hardly believed that this was happening to them. They were displeased with their children and told them to their faces that they would be cursed. The two had no option but to elope. Cherotich's case is not an isolated one. Many young people have even more harrowing experiences to relate, some of which result in depression or even suicide. According to several young people I talked to, parents are a major cause as to why they fear having cross-cultural relationships because as they were growing up they were taught that cross-cultural relationships are not advisable. The young people themselves often have no problem with intercultural relationships, but some of them are hesitant to offend their parents. However, one person I talked to argues that love is the greatest thing in the world and if he gets attracted to the opposite sex, love--not culture--will determine his destiny. He will not be deterred even when his parents are against his choice. Muthoni Mwangi feels that cross-cultural relations should be encouraged because it enables the cultures to intermingle, fostering peace and harmony in the country. Her community, however, does not encourage such kind of relationships. Vivian Atieno, on the other hand, says that she would not like a cross-cultural relationship because she feels she will not be able to adapt easily to new ways of life. She adds: "My relatives and parents have never had a problem with such relationships but I cannot allow myself to engage in one, to save myself from a lot of trouble." When I ask what kind of trouble, she evades the question and does not want to continue the interview. As for Ken and Alice*, they got married despite the opposition they encountered from both parents and relatives. They told me that they live happily and have two children, though they did not receive any blessings from their parents. Later, however, the parents came to accept the situation for they realised there was little they could do to change it. The couple have accepted each other very well; their different cultural backgrounds are not a problem. The two believe that the love they have for each other outweighs the cultural obstacles and for sure love has overcome these obstacles. Omondi Ogutu, a 26-year-old jua kali1 artisan, tells me: "I needed a lifetime companion that is why I got into this (cross-cultural) relationship. I did not know or care what people would say or think for this was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with. She was true to me and I to her." One could say that his is a success story. He did not experience the negative reactions that others did. Both his and her parents accepted their wish to marry. He is a Luo married to a Kamba though he refused to disclose the name of his wife who is 24 years old. They have three children. Isa Kito is of the opinion that "community" should no longer be defined only by tribal background. These days, especially in cities, people from different cultures often live in the same neighbourhood or estate. Because of such living arrangements, these people tend to adopt the same way of life. Cross-cultural relationships can easily result from living in such communities. Much as cross-cultural relationships or marriages may be acceptable, they still have their disadvantages. For example, in the case of Omondi and his wife, their children will have a problem with the language they are supposed to communicate in. They may end up confused, speaking neither Kamba nor Luo, but only English and Kiswahili. To those who value culture, this is not what they would like to see happen to their children. However, some families have not found this to be a great problem: they have sat down with their children and taught them about both cultures. Their own acceptance of the two cultures is the main issue. Twenty-three year-old Akello Ogosi sums it all up: "It is up to you whether or not to have a cross-cultural marriage relationship. It depends on your definition of love. If love dictates that you go cross-cultural, then do it! Let relationships thrive on love, then cross-cultural backgrounds will not be an obstacle." Genesis 2:18 talks of a "suitable" companion. Maybe God has a partner in store for you from a different cultural background. Should love decide who is "suitable" for you? Or should culture? The decision is yours.
Notes*Not their real names.1. Jua kali literally means "hot sun." It designates artisans in the informal sector who often have their business outdoors
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