IN SEARCH OF MEANING

Introduction: Humanist beginnings

I was not brought up as a Christian; my parents did not attend church and I was not baptized. My parents were humanists and belonged to the Netherlands Humanist Association. Perhaps my father could be called a "religious humanist" for although he did not believe in God, he felt that something spiritual existed which he could not understand. My mother, on the other hand, was against religion and believed in Lenin's saying that "religion is the opium of the people." She felt that people tend to find false solutions in religion while running away from the real problems in life and society. She did not believe in heaven or hell and held to the maxim that "dust we are and to dust we shall return." Another of her favourite sayings was: "Do good and do not look back." She was a devoted member of the Netherlands Socialist Party.

Both my parents held to basic human values such as respect for others, honesty and hard work. They believed that these values were essential for the survival of life on earth and as a child I was taught to follow them strictly. In other words, I was brought up to become an active and good humanist.

In spite of this I have personally always had a great interest in the spiritual. As a child I listened with interest and wonder to the fairy tales my mother told my brothers and me before we went to sleep. Later I heard and read the stories from the Bible. At the age of ten I started attending Sunday school with a friend; I went there regularly for about two years. In secondary school I voluntarily attended classes in Christian religion. At the time, however, I did not believe in the existence of God or in life after death. But I have always believed in the teachings of Christ, although not in his divinity. Like my father, I was open to the possibility of a spiritual existence if someone could prove it to me convincingly.

From the time I was 16 I certainly was a rational, realistic humanist, very critical and almost cynical about everything that was happening in and around me. I suppose I was like many others of my age, responding to the disillusions and disappointments of the immediate post-war period in the late 1950s. I remember that the fashion colour among young people was black. Artists created works that contained almost "nothing." If I remember well, this art was called "point zero". Yet time and again I felt a longing for a higher purpose, a spiritual life that went beyond my daily existence.

At the age of 18 I became a member of the Humanist Youth Organization in Amsterdam. In the beginning I strongly supported this group but gradually I became disillusioned with its philosophy without really understanding why. I attended their gatherings mainly for meeting friends and because I had nowhere else to go. I started feeling that something essential was missing in the humanist philosophy. Their philosophy was so rational and so lacking in feeling. For example, the word "love" was hardly used at all. Instead, "reason" and "responsibility" were the concepts central to their teaching.

To fill the void I felt with them and in search of a purposeful "spirit" that seemed to be missing in their teachings I turned to the beauty of nature and to works of art.

Renewed Interest in the Spiritual

It was after my marriage that my interest in religion was renewed. I gradually became aware that there is a spiritual dimension to life. I read the book Supernature by Lyall Watson in which he explains that plants can feel pain and that they react to how people treat them. I was impressed with the book Chariots of the gods by Erich von Däniken in which he speculates that people from outer space (gods?) may have visited earth a long time ago. He quotes the "whirling wheels" in the Biblical book of Ezekiel to support his speculation. I also read a simplified book on Einstein's theory of relativity. This book disturbed me since it seemed to suggest the existence of a "timeless dimension". Perhaps from this timeless dimension future events in our world can be seen. It would then be possible for some people to travel to this dimension in their dreams, for example, and so predict the future! I personally had premonitions and sometimes dreams about future events in my own life. I also experienced "coincidences", like thinking of someone I had not met for years and then meeting that very person or reading about him/her a few days later. I had completely ignored such experiences before but I now began to pay more attention to them. On the one hand such experiences disturbed me because they seemed to interfere with free will: if one can foresee the future, that future may be already determined. On the other hand, they gave me a ray of hope: a timeless and spaceless dimension may also be a place where the soul may continue to exist after the body has died. In addition, the fact that matter, for example atoms, consists mostly of empty space convinced me that the world is not so solid after all. Perhaps it might be possible for some spiritually advanced people to "materialize" a thought? I read a book about Edgar Cayce, the famous American prophet and a person with genuine healing powers. I also read a book by Jean Dixon, the modern American prophetess who predicted the death of John F. Kennedy as well as other political events in the 1960s.

The readings of these books and the little extra-sensory happenings in my own life may not seem important to someone who believes in God and was taught about the great mysteries of the Christian faith. But to me the "evidence" I had gathered from people and the things I had read about in books concerning the spiritual side of life were like a revelation. Suddenly the stories and prophesies of the Old and New Testament changed from "legends" and "fairy tales" into spiritual events which really did have validity. Furthermore, much of what I read elsewhere supported what the Bible records and teaches. Perhaps after all there was a God and life after death?

At the same time I had started having considerable doubts whether human beings, myself included, had sufficient strength within themselves to uphold the moral principles and the lifestyle necessary for their own progress and that of humankind as a whole. I had experienced the freedom of the 1960s and felt that belief in "human values" could easily deteriorate into an acceptance of anything that came natural. For example, you feel like spending a whole night at a disco: just follow your feelings. For example, extra-marital affairs could also easily be explained as something that comes natural to human beings, especially if we consider the behaviour of our pre-human ancestors.

On a personal level, I also experienced that material wealth alone (I was well paid at the time) does not bring happiness. I was a keen observer of the socialist experiment in the Netherlands and some other European countries. I noted that, by the end of the 1960s, they had almost achieved their great ideals of a just society, namely fairly distributed wealth and welfare systems for the unemployed, the sick and the old. However, along with this fair, hardworking and democratic society, there also developed a freedom loving, pleasure seeking and permissive society, without much faith in the divine.

The Journey towards Christianity

Being curious to find out what they were being taught and for the sake of convenience I decided to accompany my husband and children to Mass when they first started attending church. At the time I did not think I would continue the practice. Attending Mass was a strange experience for me; in the past I had gone rarely, mainly for weddings. But gradually I began to understand the order and meaning of the Service and to learn the beautiful songs. I listened with great interest to the sermons; I often found them to have relevance to my daily life. However, I continued to have doubts about the divinity of Christ and about the Trinity though Jesus as a person continued to draw me even more than before. Prior to these events I had often found myself thinking about Jesus' life and teachings: when faced with problems I would wonder what Jesus would have done in my situation. I continued this practice, and still do. In a way I hold an internal dialogue with Jesus. However, this dialogue never turns into a prayer in which words are spoken.

The wonder and magic of the various religions, including Christianity, continued to fascinate me. But I also became very much aware that these powers were not always used positively: they could also be used negatively. As a humanist, I believe that "sin" does not come into the world by something from outside but is part of us, human beings and of nature as well. The idea that we could be persuaded by a "devil" to do wrong things sounds preposterous to me. I believe that sin is simply caused by the urgings of our "lower" nature.

Of course, I was also curious about the lives and the work of priests and nuns. I had preconceived ideas about them. At the same time I imagined that the strict rules and regulations by which they are bound could easily make them pretend to do the right thing without being able to do so. However, I met mostly hardworking and dedicated men and women who lived their lives as best as is humanly possible.

Furthermore, my misconceptions about missionary work turned gradually into admiration. I realized that, despite mistakes made in the past, much good had been done. Of course some missionaries had been overzealous and ignorant at times and tried to impose the Christian faith on Africans and stamp out their cultural traditions. But I found out that, on the whole, the missionaries knew much more about African culture and traditions than the British colonists who imposed their political rule on Africans by force. The Christian missionaries of various denominations have, on the whole, restructured and enlightened African traditional religion and values, similarly to what the early Christian missionaries must have done for the tribes of Northern Europe more than a thousand years ago.

Fascinated by Jesus' Life and Teaching

Jesus also transformed the concept of "national gods". In the Old Testament, the Israelites mainly saw God as the God of their nation. But Jesus transformed and transcended this idea and showed that God was the God of all nations; he laid the foundation stone for the United Nations. Jesus also quietly revolutionized people's conception of how society should be organized and managed. In a world where kings often assumed absolute powers, he stressed the dignity and the rights of all people, whether poor or rich, simple or clever, weak or strong. I believe that this Christian teaching became the fundamental strength of Western civilization, despite slow progress and all the mistakes that have been made.

I am fully aware that the New Testament is the source of many values that are important to me today. For me the most important part of the Mass is the sermon for it is in it that I am reminded about these values. I love the songs also and find the prayers meaningful. But it is in the teaching about how we should behave that I find most of my strength. I still do not believe that it is very important what form our belief takes or what rites we follow: what is most important is what we do and how we behave towards others. All the world's religions agree amazingly about the same basic values: love your fellow men, do unto others what you would like others to do to you. Do not cling too much to this material existence and its pleasures, work hard and serve others.

As an aspiring Christian, I do believe that Jesus' spirit is alive and can be present in our lives today. For me, this is an unobtrusive presence, which urges me time and again to reflect on my choices and to make the right decisions without interfering with my free will or compromising the personality that I am.

Surprisingly, I have never been coerced by anyone in the Catholic Church to become a full member. I attend church regularly but I am still a catechumen and have not been baptized as yet. I feel it is extremely important not to lose myself in my search for God or "the Truth" because God is inside me and his spirit can only grow with me, not outside of me. My spiritual journey and, I believe that of humankind, is far from over; I am still on the way. I have made some progress and I thank all those who have helped me along on my path.

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A JOURNAL OF SOCIAL AND RELIGIOUS CONCERN
Published Quarterly by DR. GERALD J. WANJOHI
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